1-800- I-am-an-Idot
In order to best understand the nature of hope, you need look no farther than Sunday morning television, though not in the form of Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyers or some other televangelist. I’m speaking of the Sunday morning infomercial. Running an innocent 30 minutes in length it is sometimes possible to watch them end to end for several hours and believe that perfect skin, hair, nails, financial wealth and six pack abs lie within an 800 number.
15 years ago, you would have actually called the number to save “one monthly” payment for the item you had been seduced by. Of course with the Internet, you can now make the same purchases with anonymity. After all, do you really want to place a call to a 1-800 number inevitably answered in India by a man who calls himself ‘Steve’ but whose real name is ‘Achmed’ to order the DVD series “Boot Scootin’ Bootie” for an ass so tight you can bounce a quarter off it?
When I was still living in Hell (Gulf-Coast Florida), I was up very late one night watching an infomercial for something called the Health Rider. This was a very popular piece of exercise equipment in the early 90’s and the infomercials used to run at right after the one for Bow Flex. The Health Rider was a sort of see-saw apparatus that looked like a bike. Only instead of peddling, you pulled yourself up and down using the handles-riding it like the horse, reminiscent of the horses from the carousel at K-Mart where for a begged 50 cents, you could forget that you’d just been dragged around for an hour by an exasperated mother
.The Health Rider was heavy. Really heavy. I can’t remember if I moved it from hell to heaven (where I live now) but somewhere along the way, I got rid of it. Probably around the same time that I began using the handles as a place to hang cat toys.
So I know better. Or you’d think so.Turns out, not so much.
On one of my recent trips, I was holed up in a hotel room and fell prey to an infomercial for an exercise video series. Shame won’t allow me to mention which one but “if you call now, we’ll cut one payment and you’ll get a free gift. If you’re not completely satisfied, simply return the DVD and the gift is free.” Buying the DVD off an infomercial is bad enough.
But what I did is worse. Much worse.
I somehow got it in my head that I could get it for less on eBay which would take some of the humiliation out of it. A quick keyword search and I quickly discovered a few HUNDRED people selling this system. Did I think, gee, if there are this many people selling this series then perhaps it’s a total waste of time and money? No I did not. Did I get in a bidding war with teddybear92 which resulted in my paying $25 over the infomercial price? Yes I did.So now I’m $77 in to this ($70 + $7 in freight) on an item that should have cost me $49.95 and when the box showed up with “the kit”, I realized that I’d just spent $77 on a DVD series with very little actual content. Still, I am committed. Or I should be committed. Either way, I am going to do “the system”. If for no other reason than the humor associated with blogging about it.
The producers of these infomercials know what they’re doing. They don’t need to advertise on the major networks during prime time, when your with your family and feeling pretty good about yourself. No, they wait until very late at night or very early in the morning, when they know that their viewers are either hung over, depressed or up due to massive bouts of insomnia. The key to sales is impaired judgment and that can only happen when you are alone in bed with a cat or dog wedged between you and the arm holding the remote. And while I think that most of the infomercial victims are women, I think just as many men get sucked into Buy Direct or Rich Dad, Poor Dad.
If Internet porn is the suburban dirty little secret than I have to believe that the infomercial is as as well. I’ve yet to meet someone who admits that they own Ginsu knives, The Bean, the Magic Bullet or Ron Popeils’ Showtime Rotisserie (Fix it and Forget it!!). Infomercials clearly make money- and lots of it. Over 14 Billion in fact. And that’s just in the primary market. It doesn’t take into account idiots like me who buy on eBay.
LOL – OK, Ummmmm, yeah! Me too! Now I feel like I’m in confession. Dear JavaJennifer…I have sinned….I bought my health rider off EBAY about a year or two ago. Always wanted one!!! Behind the eight ball a few years but was pretty excited to finally own one. Well, perhaps I should add, I LOVE horseback riding, so that might be why. In fact, it took falling off a horse and breaking my back Nov. 07 to finally get someone else to carry that huge heavy hunk of DUSTY metal to the basement for retirement until my next yard sale, or even better…ebay auction. So, if any of your readers are interested, let me know! I also have some unopened infomercial DVDs I could throw in and a big stamp that says ‘SUCKER’! Thanks for keeping it real! Love the blog!
I have to admit I own something exactly like the magic bullet. I bought it online and to my surprise — I have no regrets. It makes the best smoothies ever! But sits unused until the next time I find myself buying that DVD set and thinking, “I can do it this time! I’ve found the magic item that will finally make my body look like a supermodel!” Then it gets used for about 2 days (and wonderful days of smoothies they are…) until I realize this, like any other item, will not work until I get all the shit going on in my head straight. When that happens, my body will follow.
For a few years I was an insomniac – I’m not sure if the medical community has officially recognized that one can have such a condition for just a few years, but I did. Anyway, my point is, in that span of time I was captivated by the many infomercials that came on at all hours that I could not sleep. There was one I saw over and over – Tony Robbins. To this day when I hear his voice I stop everything I am doing, stare at the TV, and immediately become inspired (only in my head – this inspiration never extends to actual motivation to move or do anything other than watch the TV and listen to his voice). The only thing that stood in the way of me blowing hundreds of dollars was a Physical Education instructor at my college actually playing some of these tapes as part of our required “spiritual wellness” course in my very liberal arts college. After that, while still programmed to stop and listen to Tony Robbins when he appeared on my TV, I short-circuited at the “buy” point. Looking back, I am surprised that it didn’t also snap me out of my insomnia. One thing at a time I suppose.