My Vagina Monologue
When I get back to DC, I am going to let a total stranger look at my vagina and cervix through a lighted magnifying tool that will magnify the view 2 to 60 times so the doctor can see any problems that would be missed if we didn’t put my vagina up on a billboard hovering over the 405.
Then a camera will be affixed to take video if my cervix doing Salsa so that I can post it on Facebook.
If the doctor got his or her unlimited salad and bread sticks from Olive Garden “to go”, he or she may put vinegar on my cervix with a swab (as opposed to the bread stick) to improve the resolution of my cervix to 1800 dpi.
A sample of my biopsi will be available on eBay sometime in January.
Before I left for the holidays I went to see mt OBGYN to giddyup in the metal stirrups for my annual PAP which was a year over due and to find out what paths may be availble to me as I pursue, or don’t, having a baby this year. Today I got a phone call from her suggesting that I’d had an abnormal PAP with a bunch latin-sounding words that I didn’t bother to write down because she’s going to send me a note with the details and the referral for the doctor/photographer.
My doctor assures me that at this point there’s nothing to worry about that I just need to schedule the appointment when I get home and do business as usual until then.
Me: Can I still drink coffee?
My Doctor: What does that have to do with anything?
I’m worried anyway. I’m not a cancer person. Victim of a funny but tragic at home accident? Quite likely. But anything that could possibly rob me of my perfect hair is out of the question.
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